Sometimes Marriage Sucks and That's OK: Navigating the Realities of Long-Term Love

Marriage, much like life, has its ups and downs. It’s easy to fall in love, but staying in love through the years is a choice, not something that ‘just happens’. At Healing Hearts and Loving Minds Psychotherapy Inc. in Coquitlam, BC, we believe that acknowledging and accepting the challenges in marriage is crucial for mental health and relationship growth. This blog post explores how embracing the difficult moments in marriage can strengthen your bond and why it’s okay when marriage isn’t always perfect.

The Honeymoon Phase: A Temporary Bliss

Often marriage begins with the honeymoon phase, where everything feels perfect. Each person works hard to be their ‘best self’ for their partner. Hence, this period is characterized by intense passion and a seemingly effortless connection.

However, it’s essential to recognize that this phase is not permanent. According to research, the intensity of romantic love in the early stages of marriage naturally declines over time in a ‘love marriage’. I’ll explore arranged marriages another time.

Transitioning out of the honeymoon phase can be jarring. Couples might start noticing their partner's flaws or feel that the excitement is waning. This shift is normal and doesn’t mean the relationship is failing. Instead, it marks the beginning of a deeper, more mature love.

The Reality Check: When the Spark Dims

As the initial excitement fades, couples often encounter a reality check. Day-to-day responsibilities, financial stress, and differences in personality or habits can strain the relationship. It’s during these times that marriage can feel like hard work.

That said, this phase is an opportunity for growth. Or in not-so-nice language: this phase requires Adaptation, Acceptance (of their flaws), and Accommodation. By working through challenges together, couples build resilience and deepen their understanding of each other. It's important to communicate openly about frustrations and expectations. Effective communication can prevent minor issues from escalating into significant problems.

Choosing Love: The Power of Commitment

Love is often portrayed as a magical, effortless experience, but in reality, long-term relationships require commitment and effort. Choosing to love your partner every day, despite the challenges, is what keeps a marriage strong.

Love is a two way street - it needs to flow in both directions (from and to each partner) in order to be sustained. But it is not a uniformly perfect flow for years on end - quite the opposite, our partners may do unhelpful/hurtful things, cross boundaries, or not show up for us in important moments - things that tend to cause a withdrawal of caring, giving, doing, and ‘being our best self’ for them… which in turn causes them to pull away… ie. the downward spiral!

Intimacy Matters: Nurturing Your Sex Life

A fulfilling sex life is a vital component of almost all healthy marriages.

Of course, it’s common for couples to experience a decline in sexual activity over time. Factors such as stress, busy schedules, and health issues can impact intimacy. To maintain a healthy sex life, it’s essential to prioritize intimacy. This might involve scheduling time for physical connection, exploring new ways to be intimate, and communicating openly about sexual needs and desires.

Pro tip: The real problem is when sexual rejection causes arguments, hurt, then eventually withdrawal…. danger zone! If you notice any kind of pattern here, take action to create healing - this can look quite different depending on the severity of the injury and how repeated it has been… but you need to do something! Initiating sex consistently, and/or showing them you care about their hurt and their sexual needs is usually the move here.

Embracing the Rough Patches: Growth Through Adversity

No marriage is immune to rough patches (including my own!). Whether it’s a disagreement, a significant life change, or external stressors, challenges are inevitable.

Pro tip: view these moments as opportunities for growth, or as hard times to endure together (with external, uncontrollable stressors) …rather than signs of failure, or that ‘my partner isn’t the person I married anymore’ (not true).

Couples who navigate adversity together often emerge stronger and more connected. It’s important to support each other, practice empathy, and seek help when needed. Professional counseling can provide valuable tools and insights to help couples weather tough times.

Conclusion: Embracing Imperfection in Marriage

Marriage is a journey filled with highs and lows. It’s normal for relationships to face challenges, and it’s okay when marriage feels difficult. By embracing the hard times and choosing to love and support each other, couples can build a resilient and fulfilling relationship.

It's worth it! According to decades of research, married couples live longer, live more fulfilling lives, and get the benefit of a host of health bonuses that lead to less health issues and a longer life.

Pro tip: remember that marriage takes work, but be sure the ‘work’ is not just in enduring problems, it needs to also be in improving how you show up in the marriage and in addressing long standing issues when possible.

At Healing Hearts and Loving Minds Psychotherapy, we are here to help you navigate the complexities of marriage. Our expert therapists offer guidance and support to strengthen your bond and enhance your mental health. Remember, it’s okay when marriage isn’t perfect – what matters is how you grow together through the imperfections.